she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
