I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
