So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
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