well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize