Have you finally orgasmed yet?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
