Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
