I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
