i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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