Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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