so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
