Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
