Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
