I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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