It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he thought i was a dude.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is Oprah even human
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
