one two three fourrrrnication!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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