I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I need to calm my uterus...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
