Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
