My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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