Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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