I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
