'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
