First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
