i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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