so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize