I got chris browned last night
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
