If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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