And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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