She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
