I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
