is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
