We need to rekindle our bromance
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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