I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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