I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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