I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
