i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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