I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
