I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
