I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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