3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
