Taylor Swift is so right about you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
