You made me cry and you don't even care
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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