I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
