I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize