Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
