Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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