you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
