everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
bring money and cleavage
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
