oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
