smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
the raccoons are back...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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