I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
