this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
