Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
