She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
