her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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