why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
