I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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