Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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