just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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