I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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