Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
