I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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