You're a womanizer and a bitch.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize