theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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