why didn't you poke me back
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
