woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
