That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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