I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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