Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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