Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
