life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
