One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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