a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So. Much. Porn.
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