Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
