Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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