so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
