I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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